just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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