My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
