My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
