Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
