i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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