dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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