So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
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