my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
