Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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