I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So much rum. So many feels.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
