mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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