my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
your room smells of hookers.
And success
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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