I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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