Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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