a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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