he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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