Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize