u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
