i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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