at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize