you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
