Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
