From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
