Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
