Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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