Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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