I just pynch a tree in the face
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
