We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
