i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
