you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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