I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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