moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
