perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
