I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
