they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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