i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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