my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
