I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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