I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
