My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
