I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
