Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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