By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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