I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Houston, we have a blender
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
