Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
