Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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