so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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