I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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