Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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