Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
