Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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