Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
