I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did you pee in the oven last night??
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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