Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
