Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
