i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
