My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
