Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize