last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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