i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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