the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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