new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
