so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
