What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
