You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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