genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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