i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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