Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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