my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
