I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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