I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
